Monday, June 27, 2011

Spirit Channeling

Ever feel like reality isn't what it should be? That it could be something else you've always wanted?

I think that's why I chose to be an artist...

To make my own reality when the one I live in doesn't quite click the way I hoped it would.

Not escape, just... get lost in.

I've a disgusting fascination with the cerebral end of things... and sometimes I wish I weren't so enthralled by it. Other times I can enjoy things exactly as they are, what they are, what they're meant to be and nothing else to get distracted by.

Those moments are rare. And when I mean rare, I mean in the public eye of peers and others.

I often think about my conflicting desire to go to a convention one day... I'm rather deathly afraid of crowds, not so much the people, just the overwhelming numbers of people I'll never truly know, ever REALLY meet and probably don't want to mind listening to. I tend to keep to myself unless otherwise needed and most times I'll be found with a pair of headphones plugged to my ears because I tend to reject just about everything else... not out of spite, more like courtesy.

As a kid, and when I was much younger than I am now, I was told to "Mind your own business," alot. So much that instead of brooding on the effect, I redirected it by indulging and superimposing my already developed enthusiasm with music.

While I enjoy the company of others. It's the solitude with friends, sometimes family, but ultimately myself when everything else in the world just doesn't quite give in the way I'd like.

As if I truly deserve anything... but I do try hard to please others, so much that I tend to forget how to give myself some time alone, and coincidentally, when I do, I'm often interpreted as some sort of hermit, a troll or even someone who just hates company...

They couldn't be farther away from the fact.

I love my wife, I love my family, and the family I hope to raise one day... but... well... sometimes I just find myself exactly where I need to be, even it's at the expense of displeasing others. That's the cost of solitude I guess...

-LDR- (Clearing the mind and dusting off the concepts)

I can't remember how far back it's been now since I've looked at a few of my concepts for another set of graphic novels... or just ideas in general that never quite ripened to fruition. Procrastination, fear, lack of ambition... I dunno what it is anymore but everytime I looked back at what I started on, I'm almost emboldened to pick it right back up from where I last left it... and then leave it alone all together again.

I really hate when I do this to. I do it ALL the time and I've no idea why. Lack of stimuli from outside sources; that kind of thing to feed into the energy, the excitement, the attention... ... sometimes I think I should shed those layers away though because they really get me nowhere.

Mostly in trouble, sometimes.

But other times?

Mostly nowhere it seems...

Where will I be going with these things? How far will they go? Will they ever make it farther than simple concepts, sketches, spontaneous illustrations and ideas?

Who knows...

I wish I did.